A Second Chance (The Publicist, Book Four) Page 6

  “Stop it, Syd. I’m not some fragile city slicker.” Mac sat atop the horse and smiled at her; she had to remind herself to breathe. He looked impossibly good sitting atop the horse. No one had a right to look that good, least of all her ex-boyfriend.

  Sydney mounted the other horse, grabbed the reins and smiled, “Let’s go then.” And with that she steered the horse toward the wooded area that circled her farm. She was grateful to have Mac behind her and out of her view. Seeing Mac looking all Prince Charming on a horse was overwhelming, even for her.

  She led them through a path, behind her farm and into the woods. The ride was spectacular. The Indian summer was finally beginning to succumb to the crispness of an approaching fall. The warm air was tinged with a cool October breeze, and the trees once again were in flame. The wind whipped through the oak trees, tugging the red and gold leaves from their branches, dancing with them as they floated to the ground. As they rode, Mac thought of his own life and how he could never have predicted that one day he’d find himself here, on horseback, following Wonder Women. The path widened and they could ride side by side, Mac used his heels to give his horse a gentle kick to bring his horse alongside hers.

  “It’s gorgeous here, Syd.” He threw her a brilliant smile and she gripped the reins tighter. She felt a kernel of desire, the desire for something other then her work, start to nudge its way into her heart. She did her best to ignore it. Finally she nodded and said:

  “I miss this place so much; I wish I could get out here more often.”

  “You can, just make the time.”

  “I don’t like coming here alone.” The words, once out of her mouth, surprised her. She blinked and looked steadily ahead.

  “Then do something about that,” he said softly.

  “My life is too complicated.”

  “That excuse sounds plausible, but you know that’s not true. You could if you wanted to.”

  Sydney let out an impatient sigh, “I love my life, I don’t understand why no one gets that.”

  Mac eyed her carefully, she wasn’t looking at him and because of that, he knew he’d struck a nerve.

  “So what about you, Mac? I could say the same for you.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’re not sharing your life with anyone, either.”

  Mac shrugged, “My track record isn’t stellar. I’ve had a few great chances that I blew up.”

  “So you’re just out of chances then? No more opportunities?” Something inside her twisted ever so slightly, thinking of Mac with someone else. It shouldn’t bother her but it did, for reasons she didn’t think she wanted to discover.

  Mac was silent for a long moment and then said, “When I first started cheating on Carolyn, it was out of desperation. I needed to feel connected to another human being. I struggled with the loss of our daughter, too, but for me it was different. Where Carolyn wanted to be alone, I didn’t.”

  “And then?”

  “At first it was desperation, then it became habit. I never set out to be one of those guys, a cheater, but that is what I became.”

  “It’s not who you are, Mac.” Sydney said softly and she fought the urge to reach out and touch him.

  Mac was silent for a moment and finally said, “You only know the me from high school and a lot’s changed. It is who I am, or at least who I was. I have a reputation. I would have never cheated on Kate. Not ever. But then I did, and I fell back into this thing with Carolyn that was unfinished.”

  “Is it finished now?”

  He nodded, “She and I talked and while I love her, and she me, we’re no longer there anymore. It’s not what either of us wants. Carolyn wants to travel, spend time with the boys, to live and just be.”

  “Facing death brings great clarity.” Syd said softly.

  “You mean Joe?”

  “No,” she shook her head, “well, yes, certainly that changed me, but I’ve faced my own near death. Many times. Enough to know the difference between really living and a senseless existence.”

  Mac tried to imagine Sydney facing her own death. Facing a gun, a knife, or perhaps both. But clearly she’d somehow managed to fight her way out of it and live to serve on another mission.

  The path narrowed and Mac followed behind her again. They rode together in silence, until Sydney’s horse suddenly reared and neighed. Something had clearly surprised it, or scared it.

  “Hold on!” Mac yelled behind her, but he could tell his warning was too late. She’d lost control of the reins enough that she started to tumble back. She struggled to push herself forward, but the horse reared again, and this time she lost her grip entirely and slid off the back. Thankfully, she was a skilled enough rider to instinctively slide her feet out of the stirrups as she fell. She tumbled back, and landed on the soft earth in front of Mac’s horse. The animal took off through the woods.

  Mac dismounted immediately. “Sydney, my God, are you okay?” She lay still for a moment and then he heard her groan softly. He was on his knees beside her. His hands were on her face. “Syd, are you okay?” She had been knocked unconscious, but only briefly. She opened her eyes, blinked, and gave him a slight smile, “I’m fine, Mac…”

  “You just fell off of a horse, you’re not fine.”

  Mac’s arm was still around her and Sydney pushed herself up, “I’ve had worse things happen to me.” He stood up with her slowly, not letting her stand on her own.

  Mac frowned, “I’m sure you have. Here, let me help you up. No arguing.”

  “Does anything hurt?” he asked.

  She shook her head. Keeping his arm around her back, with his other hand he took her hand and pulled her to her feet.

  “I’m really fine.”

  She stood in front of him, leaves in her hair, and dirt caked on her jacket.

  “Can you stop being Wonder Woman for a second and let a guy help you?”

  Syd smiled, “Could you please stop calling me that?”

  “Then stop acting like you are. Now, can you walk? Let me see your wrists, you fell pretty hard.”

  Sydney looked around, “The horse is gone.”

  Mac was still inspecting her, “Never-mind that, I’m sure he’s headed home. Now try to walk.” Mac still had his hands on her and she could feel something coil inside of her, her thighs warmed as he inspected her.

  She tried to step back to gain some distance. “See?” She threw him an unsteady smile, “I’m fine. But we should get back.”

  Mac looked around, well now they’d both need to share his horse. The thought was more than appealing to him.

  “Get on first and I’ll get behind you,” he said.

  Sydney blinked and tried to swallow her desire to kiss him. “I-um, fine, sure, whatever.”

  Mac grinned, “Unless you’d rather be on top,” His comment, with its sexual undertones, did not go unnoticed. He walked over to her and she felt herself step back.

  She waved a hand, and walked over to the horse, “Whatever, it’s fine. We should get back before my neighbor wonders why one of his horses came back without a rider.”

  “You want to call him?”

  She shook her head and put a foot in the stirrup, “Cell coverage is too spotty in the woods. Come on, let’s go.”

  Mac got on after her and sat pressed into her; he brushed her arms as he reached around her to grab the reins. Her skin prickled. This was going to be such a long ride home. As they took the same path back, she could feel his hard chest press into her back.

  “Hold on, Syd, I’m sure you could handle falling off of a horse twice, but I’m not sure I could watch that a second time. God, for a minute there I thought…this could have been so much worse...” his words trailed off. His mouth was right by her ear and his voice almost made her dizzy. His cheek brushed her hair, “I don’t want to lose you again.”

  Sydney didn’t respond; she couldn’t. No man had ever had this effect on her, not even Joseph. She had a core of steel, but none of that seemed to mat
ter around MacDermott Ellis.

  They arrived at the house, and Mac told her he’d take his horse back as soon as he got her inside and on the couch, so she could rest or maybe take a bath and wash some of the fall off of her.

  When he returned, he found Sydney, freshly washed and in the kitchen, making them lunch.

  He walked in and shook his head, “Really? What the hell did I tell you? Can’t you for once let someone help you?” He noticed a slight limp as she moved back and forth in the kitchen. He walked over to her and picked her up.

  “That’s it, I’m putting you on the couch and I’ll tie you to it to keep you there, though I’m sure my Boy Scout knots are no match for whatever knotting class you aced at the CIA.”

  Sydney wanted to argue but didn’t. In one swoop he had picked her up, and she hated to admit it, but it was kind of nice.

  Mac walked into the living and set her down gently on the couch, “Now, I’m going to get an ice pack because I saw you limp, and don’t try to tell me it’s nothing. I’m sure you’ve sewn your own stiches, but now we’re not in the middle of the desert in some godforsaken country and you don’t have to do everything by yourself.”

  Sydney smiled, “Thank you, it’s really sweet of you.”

  Mac returned a few minutes later with two bags of frozen vegetables and a towel, “These will have to do, Buttercup,” he said, using a pet name he’d called her in high school, (he named her buttercup because of her blond hair). Sydney looked surprised when she heard the name. He sat near her injured foot to rest a towel on it first, and then he folded the frozen veggies.

  “You did hurt yourself, didn’t you?”

  “A little,” she nodded, “but I’m sure it’s just twisted.”

  Mac leaned over her, one hand still on the pack and the other was beside her, he looked at her and smiled, “You’re so damned brave now, Syd. I mean it’s hard to be a guy and not feel yourself shrink up being around someone like you, but my God, I’m so proud of what you’ve become.” He looked at her and realized how in awe he was of her, but even when she’d been young and shy, he had still found her the most amazing creature in the world.

  “Y-you don’t have to hold that, Mac.” Sydney leaned forward and touched his hand where the pack was at her ankle.

  Mac didn’t move, “My God, you’re amazing…”

  “For holding my own icepack?” She fought a smile and lost.

  Mac didn’t flinch at her trying-to-make-light of it comment, “No, for everything else, what you’ve done with your life…” his words trailed off and he felt the desire to kiss her, to taste her lips was almost overpowering. He leaned closer to her, then reached and took her face in his hands. His eyes drank her in, as if he could gather her up.

  Sydney didn’t move. She was held captive by his eyes that seemed to reach right into her soul.

  “I missed you so much, Syd. When you were gone and I went off to college, I thought of you every day.” Then he leaned in and touched her lips with his own. His kiss was soft, warm, and familiar and every memory that she’d tried to shove aside came rushing back to the front of her mind. White heat bloomed in her chest like a time elapse movie of a flower on high speed. His kiss deepened and he pulled her to him. She let go of the pack on her foot and the bags of cold peas hit the ground. Neither of them seemed to notice. Mac parted her lips with his tongue and swept it inside her mouth, exploring, and kissing her deeper than she’d been kissed in a long, long time.

  “Sydney,” he whispered her name, it sounded reverent on his lips, like some sacred word or poem. “Sydney,” he said again and she could feel how wet she was.

  Her arms were around him, pulling him closer. Tracing the strong muscles in his back. He kissed her neck and she let out a little moan. She could feel his hands on her as one strong hand cupped her breast.

  She couldn’t. The thought slammed into her. Her life was too complicated and Mac, he would need more, want more…

  “Mac,” she pulled back, her breath shaking out of her, God, how she wanted him, “I-I need to stop.”

  He released her almost immediately, “Am I hurting you? God, I’m sorry, I should have been more careful with the fall. You probably….”

  She put two fingers to his lips, “No, it’s fine. I mean I’m fine, I just. Mac we can’t do this.”

  Mac sat back and realized, begrudgingly, that she was right.

  “I’m sorry,” he said, looking at her. His arms ached to hold her again.

  “Don’t be, I wanted it, too. From the moment you walked into my office actually, but we shouldn’t.”

  “Well, you’re my author so…. Bad all around.”

  She put a hand on his thigh, but quickly pulled it away. “It’s not that. Look, I live for my next mission. I’m on the road and when I’m not on the road I’m locked in a room, combing through emails, data, and because of that, none of my relationships have ended well. I’ve had a few since Joe, well, okay, two. They never understood how much my work means to me, and they just wanted more. It always ended badly. I don’t want that to happen to us.” She threw him a weak smile.

  “I’m sorry, Syd. I mean I’m grateful to you, for what you do, but I’m sorry for the price you’ve paid.”

  She curled her knees under her chin and wrapped her arms around her legs, “Everything is a sacrifice, whether we want to admit it or not. Mine is just, well, different.”

  “I liked kissing you, but I respect your wishes. I just wish…”

  She looked at him and gave him a soft smile, “I know, I do, too.”

  Chapter 19

  It was for the best, he told himself, as he stood in the shower, letting the warm water flow over his body, but the thing was, it didn’t feel like the best. In fact, he felt like they were missing out on something that could be quite great. Or perhaps his mind was tethered to past memories. He just didn’t quite believe that. They had both changed over the years—they were actually new people drawn to the same feeling.

  He didn’t want to ignore it, but he knew he should, at least for now. For whatever reason, Sydney wasn’t ready for anything. Maybe she never would be.

  Mac dried himself off and threw on a pair of dress slacks. They were going out to dinner tonight, which was probably a better idea. The intimacy of home cooked meals and eating by the fire would most certainly cause another moment like the one they’d had earlier. Mac remembered kissing her and he could feel his desire for her throb inside of him. He reached for a shirt and tugged it on, in an attempt to stuff down his almost primal need to walk into her bedroom and scoop her up.

  He finished dressing, and walked into the kitchen, where he found Sydney, wearing an off-white, sleeveless, form fitting dress. Her hair was swept up into a chignon.

  She took his breath away.

  “Ready?” he asked, trying to control the urge to push her up on the kitchen counter to make passionate love to her.

  “Yes, ready.” Her voice was almost clipped.

  “How’s the ankle?” Mac nodded to her foot. She was wearing a lovely pair of heels, something he wouldn’t have expected from anyone else. She probably would have done the same if it had been broken.

  “Fine, shall we go?”

  Mac leaned on the counter, “I’m really sorry about earlier. I hope it doesn’t cloud the rest of the week. I really enjoy spending time with you.”

  “No, it’s fine, I just…. Well I won’t be able to stay the entire week.”

  “I thought you were on a mandatory vacation?” he asked, suddenly suspicious.

  Sydney tugged at her chignon to relieve some of the tightness, “I was, but a mission came up and I need to go and try to solve a problem.”

  Mac crossed his arms over his chest, “A mission, Syd?”

  “Let’s talk about it over dinner. I’m starved.”

  Mac took a deep breath and decided to let it go. She was a big girl, if she wanted to run all over hell saving the planet, then that was her prerogative. Though the whole timing
of this mission seemed pretty suspect.

  They had dinner at a small, intimate Italian restaurant in town. The room was bathed in candlelight and they were seated at a small, corner table.

  “Now tell me about this mission,” Mac said once they’d ordered.

  “I can’t. Well, you know, not in detail, but it’s overseas.”

  “Dangerous?”

  Sydney nodded and sipped her wine, “Probably.”

  “Am I wrong to be worried, Syd?”

  “No, I mean, I try not to think about it. I just go, do a job and hope to come home.”

  “Have you considered not doing missions anymore?”

  “No, well, yes I did for about half a second and then realized that I enjoyed the work too much.”

  Their meal arrived and they ate and chatted, but something had shifted between them. Maybe it was the kiss or maybe it was just the realization that they were beyond the fanciful dreams of teenagers. This was real life and things don’t always work out how you want them to.

  Chapter 20

  “Shall we stay up and work some more?” Mac asked after they arrived home.

  Sydney smiled, “I’d love to, but I’m pretty beat. Could we pick this up in the morning?”

  He nodded, trying to hide his disappointment, “Sure, of course. Sleep well.”

  “You, too.”

  Sydney turned as Mac asked, “When do you leave?”

  “Day after tomorrow.” Sydney avoided his eyes, then turned and left, leaving Mac standing in the hall. She needed some distance; some mental space from him and some actual physical distance. The upcoming mission was a Godsend. Being on the road would bring her a much-needed perspective. Playing house with Mac the last couple of days had been almost too good, and she knew all-too well-that good things never lasted.

  As Sydney got ready for bed something tugged at her. The letters. Mac’s letters.

  They were in the attic and a part of her desperately wanted to finally read them. Sydney shoved the feeling aside. The dreams of her childhood were long gone. As she slipped into bed, the need toyed with her. Finally, after an hour, she threw off the covers, pulled on her silk robe and walked down the end of the long hallway to the attic hatch. Mac’s door was closed, and he was likely asleep, so, as quietly as she could, she opened the hatch, rolled down the ladder and climbed up.