A Second Chance (The Publicist, Book Four) Page 5

  Mac didn’t waver, the emotion of being here with her again pressed into him, “You will discuss this, Sydney. I’m not going to just go back and work on this book and act like nothing happened,”

  She sipped her wine and looked away, as though she were watching the memory of it replay on an invisible screen: “I didn’t want to come between whatever it was you wanted, Mac. I felt like maybe you felt obligated to be with me because of who I was back then, so I wanted to give you space. Then you went to college and I never saw you again.”

  “I wrote you all the time, Syd, and I came by your house, but your mom always said you weren’t home, though I knew you were.”

  The wine lowered her defenses just enough for a memory to creep into her mind, and it caused her breath to hitch. Mac was the most popular boy in school. He was everyone’s favorite, even back then. Voted most likely to do pretty much anything he wanted, but Syd’s life was much different. After she and Mac stopped speaking, her father got sick during summer break. While her mom stayed behind to work, Sydney and her father rented an apartment close to the hospital where he was receiving treatment. When she returned home, she found stacks of Mac’s letters that her mother had boxed up for her. Sydney closed the box without reading them. The pain of what she anticipated to be in them was too tough to face. Things like “I’m sorry we didn’t work out, but I just love Carolyn so much” was something she couldn’t stomach.

  Getting back to reality, she told Mac, “I never opened the letters.”

  Mac looked down at his glass and in one movement, drained the wine. “Well, that explains it. Thirty some years of misunderstanding solved.”

  For a moment, they just looked at each other across the chasm of years that had spanned between them. After thirty odd years it shouldn’t matter as much, but it did to Mac, because Sydney had been his best friend and he’d loved her. So much.

  “From the moment I saw you at the CIA office, I knew there was something about you. I kept thinking you looked so familiar, but you’re so different now, Syd. I’m sorry I didn’t put this together immediately.” Mac walked over to her and put a hand over hers. She didn’t pull away, though she considered it. She felt a warm flush come over her, and the back of her neck prickled. Mac’s eyes stayed steadily focused on her, and for a second it felt like they were back in high school.

  Syd tried to shake it off, “It’s fine, I’m different now.”

  “You scream confidence now, Syd, it’s amazing. You were so timid in high school.”

  Sydney smiled, “You were my protector back then.”

  “Now you could be mine.” Sydney pulled her hand back, although she knew his words weren’t meant sexually, she could feel her body spark.

  “Do you still want to go to dinner?”

  Mac smiled, his gaze still on her, “I saw some pasta in one of the cupboards, why don’t you let me see if I can whip us up something. I’d like to hear more about your life,” he smiled, “not for the book, but for me.”

  Sydney nodded slowly. She wasn’t used to sharing her life, with anyone, she hadn’t since Joe died. Sure there was her family, but she edited a lot of what she told them. She omitted the isolation that comes with being an agent and about being thousands of miles away from home and being so desperately lonely it sometimes sucked the air right out of her lungs.

  Chapter 14

  Mac found the pasta, some fresh tomatoes and enough herbs to pull together his mother’s recipe for marinara sauce. When Sydney walked back into the kitchen after putting on something less dinner-formal, he had his shirt sleeves rolled up and was making meatballs. Sydney just watched him for a moment. His posture projected confidence, yet there seemed to be a crack in his veneer, like he’d been broken and had done his best to glue himself back together. His eyes held a glint of something like, heartbreak and sadness that floated just below the surface. Still, he was desperately handsome, even more so than when they’d dated.

  “Something smells good,” she said finally.

  Mac turned to her and smiled, “You know, I was remembering something just now.” He gave the pasta sauce a quick stir, set the spoon down and leaned against the counter. “Do you remember bad-boy Tommy, who never showed up to anything without his leather jacket?”

  Sydney let out a laugh, Tommy was the coolest of the cool kids, not at all smart, but that didn’t seem to deter the girls who threw themselves at him, “I remember he was no Einstein, he kept cheating on his tests, but boy, he sure had the dates, didn’t he? I never understood the bad boy allure.”

  “You fell for me.” Crossing his arms as he held her eyes.

  “You weren’t a bad boy.”

  “Depending on who you ask, I sort of am now.”

  “Did you go to the high school reunion?” She said, shifting the subject. Yes, she supposed he was a bad boy, and the allure of that was both confusing and appealing to her.

  “I did,” he said. “You weren’t there, were you? I mean I know we weren’t in the same class but a lot of students from prior years were there.”

  Sydney shook her head, “I wasn’t. I was actually in the Middle East somewhere blowing something up.”

  Mac nodded in mock agreement, “Of course, sure, that makes total sense. If you’re going to blow off your reunion, it should be because you’re out saving the world.”

  “I’ll pour us some more wine and then light a fire; I think it’s going to get chilly tonight.”

  Chapter 15

  After dinner, they sat on the couch in the living room while the fire roared. Sydney curled her long legs under her and sipped her wine. Mac noticed the turtleneck she wore and how it clung to her. Although she was beautiful in high school, she never looked like this. The woman who sat before him was still tall, but she had filled out in the most amazing ways and her hair, which she used to keep in a tight ponytail, hung around her face in soft, shimmering gold waves. Mac tried not to stare at her too much, but it was hard, he was impossibly drawn to her and it was all he could do not to reach out and touch her, or slip his fingers through her hair, or…

  “What happened with you and Carolyn?” she asked softly, pulling him from his thoughts.

  Mac looked at his glass, took a sip and said: “We were great until Isabella died right after she was born, and then we drifted apart.” Mac looked up and Sydney could see the pain flicker across his face.

  “I should have done more, forced her to talk to me, but I let her retreat into her world, thinking she needed time. Then months turned into years and then…”

  “I’ve seen a lot, Mac, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of everything that no human being should ever have to see. One thing I have learned is that we all do the best we can, you didn’t set out to intentionally hurt Carolyn.” Sydney reached a hand out and touched his thigh; she left it there for a split second and then pulled away. Her eyes never left his.

  “I ran around, for years, pretending that I didn’t need to be accountable for what I did, and then I met Kate and I thought, this is it, my chance to get it right.” Mac’s words trailed off and he looked at the fire, remembering the night it all fell apart. The heartache of it still radiated off of him.

  “Do you still love her?” For some reason the question bothered her more than she realized, she had a feeling the answer might bother her even more.

  “No.” Mac said firmly, “I mean, I love her in a way that’s not, well, not what it was. We were such a good team, I miss that and I did a horrible thing to her. That’s how I rewarded her for trusting me.” Then he turned to Syd and said, “I’m sorry, Syd, I realize I am not at all the man you fell in love with.”

  Sydney smiled and took his hand and his strong fingers circled around hers, “You are exactly the man I fell in love with.” Had she said that out loud? Where the hell had that come from? She felt a little breathless. She could almost feel all of her CIA training fly out the window.

  “I am not that man anymore, Syd.” Mac’s words were soft, almost a whisper.
>
  The silence between them felt loaded with a mounting sexual tension. She was getting lost in Mac’s eyes, those warm, comforting eyes that had once been the world to her. Her sacred place, her safe place. Her body tingled with desire for him, to make love to him again, as she had so many years ago.

  She needed air, or needed to get away. What the hell was wrong with her? A top CIA agent sitting here, turning into a mindless schoolgirl who just wanted to rip off this guy’s shirt. Glad all of her training was paying off.

  Sydney tried to pull her hand away, but Mac held on, his eyes still on her.

  “I should go to bed,” her voice was surprisingly steady. Good girl, she thought.

  “Stay,” he said, in almost a whisper. “Tell me about your work, but not the version you told me for the book. I want to know what it was like for you, what you thought that first day when the CIA recruited you.”

  Sydney smiled and said: “I have never been so terrified in my life.” She pulled her hand away and began telling her story of how a shy, afraid-of-her-own-shadow, young girl got plucked out of college to join one of the largest agencies in the world.

  Chapter 16

  They went to sleep after midnight, but even as Sydney lay in her bed, she couldn’t will herself to fall asleep.

  Mac.

  The name drifted and danced through her head. She thought of him, right down the hall. The man she’d once loved so desperately was back in her life. It was odd to think that everything between them had occurred over a quarter of a century ago and still, in many ways, it felt like it had just happened yesterday. Sydney could still recall the way Mac protected her, defending her against bullies who took advantage of her quiet nature to pick on her. Often getting into fist-fights that would land him in the principal’s office. Then came the day of their first kiss. They were on a field trip to Manhattan, and they’d gotten separated from the group. They walked through the city, just the two of them and then he kissed her. It was sweet and unexpected and it was at that moment Sydney was certain she’d love him for the rest of her life.

  Sydney pulled the covers tighter around her and gazed at the ceiling. The memories were just the musings of a young girl, she knew, but still they sparked something in her. Something Sydney hadn’t felt in a long time. It was the hope she’d had as a young girl, hope for a life and a marriage and children. When it seemed Mac had moved on, she shoved it all aside until the day she met Joe. After he was killed, she’d resigned herself to living her life as she did, doting on her nieces and nephews and living for her job, which was a crucial part of who she was. When Mac walked back into her life, his presence went far beyond just being her childhood love. It reminded her that in a way, she was living a half-life.

  Sydney thought back to the letters Mac had sent, unopened and all of them neatly boxed. Where were they now? The attic, she suddenly remembered. When her parents moved to California they’d divided up the school mementos among their three daughters. Sydney had taken all of the boxes and put them in the attic upstairs.

  The letters were in one of them.

  She fought the nudge of curiosity to go upstairs and read them, but what purpose would it serve, except to wallow in what might have been?

  No, much better to leave them there. It was like digging up a grave. While it was great to see Mac again, everything between them was long since dead and buried.

  Chapter 17

  The following morning, Mac woke after a restless night. He’d dreamt about Sydney, or rather dreamt about the time they’d gone camping together as teenagers. It was just an overnight trip, but it was the moment he’d realized he loved her, although she was too young, afraid, and needed to find herself a bit more, so he waited nearly three years to tell her.

  Mac threw the covers off and got up. After throwing on a t-shirt and shorts, he opened the door to his room. The house was quiet. Maybe Sydney was still asleep. He doubted that. Even as a teenager she was an early riser. He walked through the hallway and into the kitchen. That’s when he spotted a note:

  Went on a run,

  be back by 8:30.

  S

  Mac looked at the clock, it was barely seven a.m. so he decided to get some work done on her book, but first he set on some coffee.

  After grabbing his laptop from the study and pouring a cup of coffee, he settled in the kitchen to get some work done. He was completely immersed in the book when Syd walked in, wearing a t-shirt and running shorts. Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail and she glistened from perspiration.

  “Hi.” She smiled, “I see you’re already at work.”

  Mac could only stare at her for a moment; she was breathtaking even without makeup (although, she wore very little anyway). She looked so innocent. He could see why she made such a good agent. No one on earth would suspect who she really was and what she was capable of. Mac was already halfway through the book and had reached the part where Sydney talked about the first time she killed someone. He had struggled with that particular chapter, not that he hadn’t expected it, but it was difficult to imagine his Sydney, the little lost girl, had turned into some brilliantly capable woman who could also kill someone if she had to. Sometimes with her bare hands.

  “Mac?” Sydney said again, tilting her head, “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, of course.” He nodded and looked away.

  She narrowed her eyes and said:

  “Are you struggling with the fact that I’ve killed people?”

  Her ability to read him was slightly unnerving, “Yes, well, I mean I expected it. I just, you know, know you and it’s hard to imagine.”

  Sydney poured herself a cup of coffee, “Try not to think about it, it’s the job, that’s all.”

  Mac frowned, “I get it, but it’s still, I mean, weren’t you ever terrified that one of these maniacs would kill you instead?”

  Sydney poured some milk in her coffee, turned and said: “Every day I’m on a mission I think that it could be my last day.”

  “Then why do you keep doing it? I mean, you saved the world, isn’t that enough for one lifetime?”

  Sydney shrugged and leaned against the counter. Mac tried to ignore the outline of her nipples that pressed through the t-shirt, “The agency wants me out of the field and I totally respect that, but the thing is, this is my life. If I’m not in the field, I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s who I am.”

  Mac closed the lid on his laptop, stood up and walked over to her, “It’s admirable, but isn’t it a bit like hiding? I mean, you’re gorgeous, Sydney. You’re smart, funny, don’t you want to share your life with someone who will spend every single day loving you in a way you deserved to be loved?” He stood in front of her, inches from her face. She could see the slight stubble on his chin and his disheveled hair. She looked at his lips and for a moment she stood, just staring at him, towering over her, all strength and heat. Her body felt electrified, he moved a little closer to her as his light blue eyes held hers and she could feel the desire radiate off of him. Her heart wobbled dangerously as it sped up and her breathing turned shallow. She needed to break the spell before he kissed her. Shifting her gaze outside she said, “Let’s go riding today.”

  Mac blinked, unmoving, “You’re ignoring my question.” His voice was deep and the sound of it made her want to undress.

  She could feel her determination to keep this whole thing professional dissolve like snow in June.

  Well there goes all your CIA training, she thought.

  Sydney collected herself, barely, and stepped away, which broke the spell.

  “I’m not,” she insisted, stepping into the kitchen and opening the refrigerator, “I just don’t want to talk about it right now. How about if I make us breakfast. Omelets?”

  Mac knew when to back off, some things never changed. But he was determined to revisit this with her, sooner rather than later. He also couldn’t ignore the spark that threatened to overwhelm him.

  Chapter 18

  “How
long has it been since you’ve ridden a horse?” Sydney smiled as she slid an omelet onto his plate.

  Mac had showered and changed into jeans and a t-shirt, “A long time. I think, maybe the last time we rode…no wait, Danny and I went out when he was sixteen, so seven odd years ago.”

  “You’ve never told me about your sons.” She smiled and sat down across from him.

  “They’re amazing kids, well, men now. I’d love for you to meet them someday.” It was more of a statement than a question and it hung between them, the expectation lingering. The memory of the life she was supposed to have was surprisingly haunting.

  “I’m sorry. I-” Mac said instantly. It was too easy to pretend that they were just normal, that no time had gone by.

  Sydney held a hand up, “It’s okay. You have a big life and I’d love to meet them someday if there is an opportunity. You’ll have to tell me more about them on the ride.”

  “Speaking of,” Mac said, setting down his fork, “You don’t have horses, so how are we going to ride?”

  “My neighbor, he’s bringing two horses over shortly. I told him to get one very tame for you.” She winked.

  “I supposed you are also an equestrian expert too?” Mac smiled.

  “No, not really. Not much call for horses in the spy business. We’ve since upgraded to you know, cars and private planes.” She threw him a smile and he felt his heart thud. He fought the urge to reach for her and realized, much like the almost kiss earlier, what a bad idea that would be, bad but good. It was his usual MO, which hadn’t served him well in the past.

  They left right after breakfast and Sydney saddled up both horses.

  “Are you sure you’re up to this? I mean, you haven’t ridden in a while,” she smiled.

  In one swift movement, Mac put his left foot in the stirrup, hoisted himself up to grab the saddle, and swung his long right leg across the horse.