A Second Chance (The Publicist, Book Four) Read online

  She wanted to beg him to stay, to plead with him to give her one more night. To feel his hands on her, his lips on her body, to wake up next to him, but she couldn’t.

  “Mac, I’m sorry.”

  He looked at her and then bent down and kissed her on the forehead, “Don’t be, Buttercup. This was an amazing time. I don’t regret it.” And in one swift movement, he stepped past her, towards the door and was gone. A dart of regret pierced her heart as the door clicked shut.

  The whole thing was bad, very bad. But good, so good in fact that Syd had to stop herself (a few times) from running after him, but this was also dangerous. More dangerous than any CIA mission, in any god-forsaken part of the world she’d been in, because this wasn’t a threat to her body, which had time and time again proven itself able to withstand much more than she’d thought possible. No, this time the danger was to her heart, and to her soul, and she didn’t think either of them could take the hit.

  Chapter 30

  “Syd, why are you calling? I figured you’d be with hotter-than-ever Mac.” There was something in Jenny’s voice, some hopeful inflection.

  “He, eh, he left.”

  “So soon?”

  Sydney could hear little voices in the background, it was Saturday night and the kids were up late, no doubt.

  “Yeah, he…”

  “Syd tell me you didn’t screw this up.”

  Sydney fumbled with the edging on her couch, “Jen, you know it’s hard, this life I lead and I’m just not….”

  “Not ready?” Jenny interrupted her, “You know you have a million excuses to avoid being happy, don’t you?”

  Sydney could feel something settle inside her: regret. “I am not avoiding, it’s just, I like my life this way.”

  “Really? Wait, hold on…” Sydney could hear her sister talking to one of her kids. The sounds made her heart ache. How she wished….

  “Sorry, Billy wanted popcorn and you’d think it was the end of the world. Now, back to you, sis. I love you so much, please know that when I tell you that you’re a class A fuck up, but I mean it in the best possible sense.”

  “Mac told me he loved me.” She said, and her voice caught.

  “And you said?”

  Sydney sighed, “I said nothing, I just. It’s really better this way.”

  “If it was better this way, you wouldn’t be calling me. You’ve be packing your ‘go bag’ for another mission and off slaying dragons. You’re calling me because you want me to tell you to go for it.”

  “No, I really don’t….”

  “You know, for someone with your IQ, you’re not terribly smart.” Then her sister added, “Listen, I know it’s been hard. I know how deeply you loved Joe, but I remember you and Mac together, and I remember how you loved him, too, and how he loved you.”

  Sydney licked her lips, “I think I love him, Jenny.” Her voice was so quiet, it was almost a whisper.

  “Then what are you going to do about it?”

  “What if it doesn’t work?”

  “Are you worried about Mac’s reputation?” Jenny had done sleuthing, of course she had, the minute her sister had called to tell her that Mac was her book editor.

  Sydney thought for a moment and then said, “I am, of course, but in a sense, I get him, I know him to his core, or I did. You know, it was so long ago, I just wonder if I’m confusing that with what’s going on here.”

  “What is going on, Sydney?” Her sister asked, her voice firm.

  “I couldn’t bear to lose someone I love again.” Sydney’s voice was wet, the remnants of grief washed over her remembering the loss of Mac years ago and then Joe. She kept them locked away, all of it, but with her sister she didn’t have to pretend she was a tougher than nails agent, she could just be herself.

  “Sydney, I get it, we all loved Joe, but he would never want you to live like this.”

  “I-I should go, I’ll call you tomorrow.” Sydney struggled to find her words.

  “If you love him, Syd, don’t let him go again. Years of misunderstandings separated you both. It’s time you fixed that and it’s also time you got a life.”

  Mac returned to New York and tried to pretend everything was normal, but it wasn’t. Something had shifted in him, but apparently the shift hadn’t happened with Sydney. It had started, albeit slowly, the day he broke Kate Mitchell’s heart. He wanted to be different, he didn’t want to be “that guy” and end up someday as a cocktail party joke or an urban legend.

  Mac Ellis wanted a life, and he knew that Sydney, as much as she obviously cared, wasn’t going to be that girl.

  Still.

  Part of him missed her. Actually, all of him missed her. In the week that followed his time with her in D.C., he wanted to pick up the phone and call her, but he didn’t. She’d been pretty clear about how she felt and he knew Syd’s stubborn streak better than anyone. It was funny really, in that odd, ironic, not-really-funny-but-it-is kind of a way. For the first time in his life the tables were turned on him. He was on the receiving end of what he dished out over the years. When someone fell in love, Mac was gone. Now, it was his turn to be left behind.

  Karma was a bitch.

  The book’s marketing meeting was scheduled for today at noon, via conference call. He might skip it, it may be better to. His team could handle it. He’d had enough of the universe’s jacked up sense of humor. He was also exhausted. He’d been up half the night thinking about his life, thinking about Sydney.

  “Hello, Mac.”

  He hadn’t seen or heard her enter; he was so lost in thought, but there stood Sydney.

  She took his breath away.

  Mac gathered himself quickly, “I thought we were doing this via conference call,” he said simply. He didn’t even say, It’s good to see you. Though it was. No pleasantries. Not today. He wasn’t in the mood.

  Sydney walked further into the office, “I had business in New York and I thought I’d pop by.”

  Mac stood up and walked around his desk, “I’m not sitting in on the meeting today. You’ll be with the marketing team.” His eyes were fixed on her. She wore a pale blue dress that was cut in a semi-low scoop around her neck. He could see the slight curve of her breasts. The sight of her bare skin left his mouth dry.

  “Mac, I…” Sydney fumbled with her purse, “I should go then.” She turned and Mac grabbed her by the crook of her elbow.

  “What are you doing here, really?” He asked, his eyes narrowing, and suddenly Mac noticed her necklace was gone, the one she wore with Joe’s wedding ring on it.

  “I came for the meeting, and I wanted to see you.” She looked down and then back up again and met Mac’s gaze. “I’ve missed you,” she said simply.

  He wanted to grab her and kiss her and then push her up onto his desk and….Mac forced that scene from his mind and regained his steely composure. “Sydney, I’m sure you can appreciate that I can’t do this “come here-go away” with you.”

  “I’m going on another mission.” She said suddenly.

  Of course she was. Sydney Sullivan saves the world. Mac’s frown didn’t cease, “Well, good luck and come home safe.”

  “Sir?” It was his assistant, Beth. She looked from Sydney to Mac. The tension between them was obvious. Mac let go of Sydney’s arm.

  “The marketing meeting is about to start. Since Ms. Sullivan is here, I’ve set us up in the conference room.”

  “Thanks, Beth. Sydney will be there in a moment.” Beth retreated and Sydney looked back to Mac.

  “You will be joining us, right?” she asked.

  “Go ahead, I’ll be right in.” He lied. Mac had no intention of being a yoyo. Much as he loved Sydney, she was a bit too hot and cold and he should know. He invented that relationship yoyo.

  Freaking karma.

  Chapter 31

  Mac left the building and went for lunch. He felt like Thai, and although it was a bit of a walk, he decided to go to a place his favorite place in Korea Town.


  When he arrived, the restaurant was busy, but he wasn’t surprised, it was every local’s favorite. It’s this hole-on-the-wall place, with small, cafeteria-like tables where diners would crowd around. Often you’d see strangers sitting together just to have someplace to sit. Mac ordered and looked around. It was full. Well, there was one seat open, next to a woman with her head down, clearly alone. If he was lucky, he could grab it. Mac waited for his order and then walked over.

  “Is this seat taken?”

  The woman looked up.

  It was Kate Mitchell.

  Karma was really out to kick his ass today.

  At first, Kate didn’t say anything and Mac looked around. It was, of course, the only chair free.

  “Never mind, sorry. I didn’t see you there.”

  Kate waved a hand, “Mac, it’s fine, sit down.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Just sit, before someone else grabs it. Looks like we’re going to have that lunch you wanted after all,” Kate said almost matter-of-factly as she stabbed at her noodles.

  “So, how are you?” she asked, though a part of her already knew. There was something off about Mac today, he seemed even more off his axis than when she’d run him the other day.

  “Long day,” he offered, setting down his tray. “I was in the mood for Thai,” he said with a dark edge to his voice. There was a day when he would have given anything to see Kate again, to talk to her. Today was not that day.

  “So you walked all the way here from 52nd Street? You must be having a bad day.”

  “It’s fine, though I could say the same for you.”

  “I was in the neighborhood, author meeting,” she said simply. “Speaking of, congrats on getting the Wonder Woman book.”

  Christ. Well, of course she’d mention it. This whole day was dripping with irony.

  “Thanks, yeah, it’s a pretty exciting project.”

  “What’s she like?” Kate asked with genuine curiosity.

  “Kate, can I tell you something?” Mac took a forkful of rice, considered it for a moment and then popped it in his mouth.

  Kate’s eyes narrowed, “Um, sure…” The slight hesitation in her voice was evident. Mac knew the last thing Kate expected or probably needed was some confession.

  “She and I were involved, years ago. When we were kids, we grew up together. She was my first love actually, but I didn’t know that till after we’d signed her because, you know, I hadn’t seen her in years. Her last name was different and she now goes by her middle name for her job. When I realized it…” Mac’s words trailed off.

  “Did you get involved with her?” Then she quickly added, “I’m sorry. It’s none of my business.”

  Mac shrugged, “No, it’s fine and yes we did. We rediscovered our old flame, only she is too busy saving the world to want to settle down.”

  Kate set down her fork and turned to him, “Mac, are you in love with her?”

  He followed her lead and looked her straight in the eyes, “I am, and I think part of me has never stopped.”

  “And she’s….?”

  “That’s the best part!” He said in mock irony, “She wants nothing to do with me, I mean she did, up to a point, but when things got dicey she decided it was too much. I feel like I’m dating myself.”

  Kate let out a small laugh, “Oh Mac.” She said and her eyes softened. “I’m so sorry.” And he could tell she genuinely meant it. Of course she did, Kate was a quality person, even after all he’d done to her, she still didn’t want to see him hurt.

  “It’s my penance,” he said, “for everything I’ve done.”

  Kate blinked, “Wait, you really believe that?”

  Mac shoved away his tray. Suddenly, he’d had enough and said, “It really doesn’t matter, Kate. She doesn’t want it, she isn’t ready.”

  “Look, I’m sorry this happened, I really am, but just because she isn’t ready now doesn’t mean she won’t ever be, but the point is that you are, and that’s great.”

  Mac raised an eyebrow, “So are you going to tell me to go out and find a nice girl and settle down and forget this ever happened?”

  Kate covered her hand with his, “Time does heal, Mac. I know that better than anyone.” She gave him a soft, sweet smile.

  “You seem happy.” Mac said, holding her eyes.

  “I am, Mac, very happy and you will be, too.”

  Somehow Mac doubted that.

  . . . .

  The run-in with Kate had been an odd twist on a day that had set out to mock him. By the time he returned to the office, he was told that Sydney was gone. He buried his disappointment in work until his assistant walked in.

  “I’m sorry to disturb, but Sydney left this letter for you. She asked me to give it to you when you got back.” Beth handed him the sealed envelope and he took it and set it down immediately.

  “She told me to tell you it’s urgent that you read it.”

  “Thanks, I will. Beth, can you close the door when you leave?” Beth nodded and walked out, the door clicking behind her. When she was gone, Mac opened the envelope.

  My dearest Mac,

  I wanted to tell you this when I saw you earlier, but I became so overwhelmed by my feelings for you that I wasn’t sure where to begin. Also, as you’ve learned by now, I’m not terribly good at this. Years ago you sent me a letter that I never opened. You asked me to meet you at our special place and I never showed up. Now I am asking you, all these years later, to give me a second chance.

  Do you remember the day we came to New York on that one-day summer camp thing? You told me you loved me that day. I’m asking you to meet me there. I’ll wait all afternoon. If you don’t show up, I’ll have my answer.

  I love you.

  Your Sydney

  Mac stared at the letter for a moment and thought about her words. The place, how could he forget? He told her he loved her and they had kissed for the first time. He could still remember what it was like to kiss Sydney that day.

  He was certain she was the only woman he’d ever love.

  In one motion, Mac shoved his chair back, stood up and walked out of his office. “I need to run out, cancel my 1pm call if you would.” Luckily, he had a light afternoon; he could easily sneak away for a few hours.

  Mac walked out of his office and hailed a cab.

  “The High Line, please,” he said, referring to the park and walkway that was built over abandoned railroad tracks. They had kissed there, years before there was a High Line, back when it was pretty abandoned. They’d snuck off from the group and found a quiet place, where he told her he loved her, and then he kissed her. He remembered it like it was yesterday.

  Chapter 32

  Sydney wasn’t at all sure he’d show. He seemed pretty angry with her earlier and who could blame him? But now she knew, beyond a doubt, what she had to do. She gripped the railing and looked out, beyond the city. Lost in thought, she didn’t hear Mac approaching.

  “I thought you were off on another mission.” She was startled by his voice and turned slowly to see him standing there.

  “I am going on a mission. Perhaps the biggest one of my life.” She gave a tentative smile, reached down and grabbed a small suitcase that was at her feet and handed it to him. He paused before he extended a hand and took it.

  “What’s this?”

  “We call it our “go” bags, it’s what I take on missions.”

  Mac began to hand it back to her, “You’ll need this then.”

  Sydney shook her head and crossed her arms, “Open it.” She said softly.

  Mac unzipped the bag and pulled a stack of his letters out, confused, he looked at her. “My letters? You’re giving them back to me?”

  “No, I thought we could take them with us. Along with all of the mementos I kept from our time together, when we first fell in love.”

  Mac set the bag back down and stuffed the letters back inside, “Where are we going, Sydney?” There was still a slight edge to his voice.
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  She smiled and walked over to him, “Wherever you want, as long as I am with you, I don’t care.”

  He narrowed his eyes, “What are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that I’ll never stop wanting to get the bad guy, but for the first time in a long time, I want something more, I want you.”

  Mac took a deep breath and stepped towards her, “You’re sure?”

  Sydney reached up and touched his face, “After you left, I realized that for the second time in my life I let the best thing in my life get away. After Joe was killed, I made it my mission to stop the bad guy. The agency teaches you to never second guess the trade-offs and when I was with you, that’s all I did.” She looked away for a moment and then looked back at him, “All of it sent me into a bit of an emotional tailspin, and after more than twenty-five years with the CIA, that’s pretty hard to do.”

  Mac took a step toward her and reached for her hand, “I don’t want to take something from you that you love, at some point you’ll end up hating me for it.”

  “You’re not; I’m not leaving the agency. I’m just not going to go on missions the way I used to.”

  “I’m not a good bet, Syd.” He said tightly.

  She gave him a speculative glance, “You mean your history with women?”

  Mac nodded.

  “One thing I’ve learned is that life is one big fat gamble and the odds are never in your favor. We take chances, some we win, and some we don’t.”

  “Sounds pessimistic.”

  Sydney shook her head, “No, it’s realistic. Things happen and the future is guaranteed to no one. We can only be happy now and let the rest unfold.” She narrowed her eyes and smiled playfully, “Also, I know people…”

  He returned her smile, “To make me disappear?”

  “Worse,” she nodded towards his pants and he let out a laugh, then Mac pulled her to him and held her tight, for a moment she thought her heart would burst open.